A HeartBeat Away

Lashing Out

2011-06-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I am angry

I don't know why I am blue

I don't know if I am happy

I don't know what to do

Am I just a mean person that scowls at the world

Breaking the bonds that keep me

Lashing out at whoever, whenever

Cynical, Hateful, Mean Spirited

Sprinkeled with just a hint of compassion and humility

Events not under my control

Changes that were unforseen

An anger wells up from deep within

Something, Somehow, Someway

Burning Books

2010-09-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

He is a little man hiding under the guise of a religious leader, which makes the entire situation even more ludicrous. He can only express himself and gain his moment of glory through hateful and enciteful actions and deeds.

Burning the Koran does nothing but spread a message of hate to the entire world. The impression of America will be diminished even further by this one mans selfish actions.

If you have to arm yourself to defend your actions, and every important leader in the world is condemning your planned activities for 9/11, then maybe you should rethink your position.

I question the wisdom of your followers, and I also question the integrity and validity of your pulpit. What God fearing congregation condones the use and spread of hate, and a hate filled doctrine?

I only pray that you will see the error in your logic and put an end to this madness.

Dad

2010-07-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

Dad

When I needed you most, you were there
When I needed advice you would give it freely
When I needed someone to listen to me you always had a willing ear
When I needed a role model all I had to do was look to you
I learned from you the importance of taking care of family
I learned from you to develop a solid work ethic
I learned from you that I am not the most important one
You held me when I cried, you comforted me in my sorrows
You praised me when I had my glories
You stood by me in my failures
I am
Proud to have been your son

I am certain that I speak for all of my brothers

Blindness

2009-12-04T18:35:00.000-08:00

I couldn't have said it better myself, these thoughts I have.

A snippet of lyrics from "Three Doors Down", When I'm Gone.

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...

Pain

2009-10-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

I shed a tear for my memories tonight

As years went by I lost my sight

Lost my way and caused great pain

Now each day I try to explain

I try to understand

I try to forgive

I try to trust

I shed a tear

Thoughts

2009-07-29T00:02:00.000-07:00

Words of wisdom escape my mind
Painful memories are so unkind
Hardened by strife, Tempered like steel
At times my thoughts are so surreal
Vivid dreams and blurry days
So many hours pass by in a haze
Questions without answers, Bound by faith
A ghost of a human, A living wraith
Blessed by grace, Yet cursed by sin
A boundless spirit, Trapped in a pen

Clouds

2009-07-28T16:40:00.000-07:00

Darkness decends and the shadows grow long
Feeling the pain in a love torn song
Thinking my life has been a waste
All my decisions have been made in haste
Two paths to travel and one of them is wrong
Without a guide I stumble headlong
The mind is seldom willing and my thoughts are uncontrolled
Words cannot seem to console
I'm being chased by demons and I cannot run
I stand like a stone
Confused
Alone
Weary
Very little joy in this life do I find
I am certain I have been left behind
Why I was brought forth I will never know
Now I patiently wait til it is time to go

Not A Thriller

2009-06-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

It really struck a chord with me when I heard Michael Jackson had passed away. It's not just that an Icon has died, but for me it was how he died. Sudden Cardiac Arrest. From everything I have read, less than 5% of everyone struck by SCA actually survives.
This is extremely moving for me, as I survived an episode of SCA a little over 6 years ago. I can tell you that from my experience, that there is no pain involved SCA. In my case I suddenly felt sick to my stomach, I told the cop I thought I was gonna pass out, and I woke up in the hospital. No pain, no memories, nothing.
Was the medical help in Hesston Kansas really that much better than that in L.A.? I don't think so. Maybe they found him too late to help him, it would have only taken 3-5 minutes to put him beyond help.
In my case there were Law Enforcement personnel on the scene and an off duty fireman that happened upon the scene. The fireman performed CPR until the ambulance arrived and I was defibrillated.
As I reflect, I still don't understand why a simple man like me was left here on earth, and an Icon like Michael is now gone. I suppose God still has something in mind for me, and was not ready to take me home. As for Michael, God had a reason for taking him that none of us will ever know. Though none of us really knows what takes place upon death, I do know that Michael is now free from all of the pain, hate, stress, anxiety, misunderstandings, and lonliness that certainly must have plauged him throughout his adult days.

Cedar Point

2009-05-13T21:10:00.000-07:00

-The other day I went riding with my brother and a friend. We were bound for a little town named Cedar Point. My brother and I had both come across separate articles referring to an old abandoned Mill sitting right on the Cottonwood River. The road to the town was covered in water, only a couple of inches but still........We rode on to the town and of all places to park, we parked in front of the bank. We each got a soda from the working soda machine, and wandered over to the bridge to take in the sights and drink our sodas. When we were done, we started gathering our stuff up and were about to hit the road when a Kansas State Trooper pulled into town. We had only been there 15-20 minutes and the law arrived.

Now in their defense, there were three of us, we were all on Harleys and dressed in leather, and we did park in front of the bank. Add to that the fact that the town had recently been isolated by high flood waters, it was a Saturday, and it was sundown, and I suppose in someones mind it was wise to be safe and cautious.

The trooper never did bother us, though I did stop him and ask a couple of questions about the local roads. He did say that he didn't get back there much, so it makes me wonder why he was there. He went his way and we went ours, however we did meet a second Trooper racing towards our previous location. He didn't bother us either, but he was in some kind of hurry.

Slight Breeze

2009-04-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

Yeterday was the first "nice" day in quite some time, with temps reaching the mid 70's. It was a little breezy though, with sustained winds of 40 mph and gusts up to 52 mph.
I must have taken a stupid pill instead of my heart pill, cause I decided it was nice enough to get my motorcycle out, and I did have a major itch to ride. A friend came over and we then headed out. Riding to the north was great, but then we turned to the west, and we rode at an angle the whole while. It was all I could do to hold my lane, luckily this road jogs from north to west for many miles. The entire ride was only about 66 miles, but about 20 of it was against the wind, and another 16 was spent being blown around the lane from the cross wind. Whew! When I got home I felt like I had just finished a 300 mile ride.
Next time I'm gonna check my meds!
So yesterday was 75 and windy, today it is 35 and there is snow on the ground, go figure.
Another typical weekend in Kansas.

A Moment

2009-01-30T19:00:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those "Stupid Moments"?
I went to an unfamiliar ATM yesterday and fed my card to the machine. It ate it right up and let me enter all of the info it asked for. The screen suddenly flashed a message stating my card wasn't any good at their facility. I was at a loss, why wasn't my card any good?
The machine then spit my card back out, and it was then I realized I had fed the stupid thing my Drivers Lincense. Duh!

Echos

2008-12-09T23:08:00.000-08:00

Alone and faceless, lost in the crowd
Screaming in silence, thinking out loud
Looked in the mirror, saw someone I didn’t know
When you loose your love, time creeps by ever so slow
Nothing going on and nothing is planned
Fruitless as castles made in the sand
What did I do, where did I go wrong
I’ve heard this before, I think in a song
Emptiness follows my every move
Finding no comfort nor words that will soothe
Loneliness has become my only friend
I fear I will be lonely until my end

Madre

2008-12-09T00:03:00.000-08:00

It’s been six quick years and so much has changed
It’s been six quick years yet so much remains the same
You gave us some warning, but still left too soon

Alone I stand in a big empty room
Memories and dreams are what were left behind
I saw you today; saw you clearly in my mind

Stir-Crazy

2008-11-23T17:42:00.000-08:00

The pain in my chest, so unnatural to me
The pain in my chest, just won’t let me be
The pain in my chest, it never goes away
The pain in my chest continues each day

My mind is so active but my body sits still
A battle rages between might and will
No answers in sight, least none I can see
No answers in sight, no answers for me

I feel an abnormal lump in my chest
The docs put it in, said it was for the best
I feel an abnormal lump in my chest
This life giving thing that I now detest

Twisting

2008-11-21T20:01:00.000-08:00

Spontaneous laughter
Spontaneous tears
Unbridled passions
Uncontrolled fears
Saddled by doubt
Restrained by the mind
Resting while waking
Sleeping while blind

New Look

2008-11-20T19:49:00.000-08:00

I began my blog back in 2004, and for some reason I tired of it earlier this year and took it down. I decided to bring it back to life, but with a new look and no archives, so essentially this is a new blog with an old name.