Monday, August 18, 2025

Pieces

Seems like I've always attached myself to the females in my family.  Mom, grandma, my aunts.  There was never really an uncle present.  I always wanted to hear what the ladies were talking about.  The men's conversations were shallow and unproductive. Except for uncle Bernard.  

Uncle Bernard was mom's uncle and worked with mom's dad, Roger Rearick, at the time of his death.  He was also married to Grandpa Rearick's sister, aunt Mildred.   Uncle Bernard  taught us that it was okay to be yourself, make funny noises, make people laugh.  He ended up not liking me or my brothers to very much, in the end, he favored our cousins, the Seelys.  But he never was very fond of dad, the Mexican! 

Dad and I never got along, just a big difference in personalities that was an obstacle to a more developed and nurturing relationship.  Actually, I really disliked dad, when I was a kid.  I got yelled at, belittled, and spanked, a bunch!  I know he tried.  He took me fishing and camping, but it never seemed to be a joyful adventure.  Labored on his part. As an adult, I attempted to cultivate a relationship with him, that culminated in him asking me why I kept coming over to see him, after all, I wasn't asking for money, so why was I there?  My response was, too spend time with you.  I don't think he grasped that on the level I was offering.

Uncle Walt, he was standoffish at best.  Never a harsh or critical word directed towards me.  Just mostly silence.  He did take my cousin Kenneth and I out hiking along the river, and pointed out wildlife features that you can only learn in the woods, so there's that.  I think he was mindful of dad and did not try to exert much influence over or on me.

Grandpa John.  He was a grumpy old man as my memory recalls.  He was a short man, that always had a cigar or a pipe in his mouth.  He was a WW 2 veteran, and enjoyed his beer.  He liked bingo, checkers, fishing, and helping grandma make quilts.  He was always short tempered around us kids, always.  Granma kept him in check.  I must have got my mechanical genes from him, cause they didn't come from dad!

So, what I'm getting at, is that growing up, my male influencers were minimal, and the men that had an opportunity to assist me in my youth were either not present or maybe even were a bit neglectful.  Not casting shade here, just looking for the pieces of my world that have made me, me.

Saturday, January 18, 2025

Lost Tears

 I won't tell you that I cry every day
But I do
I won't tell you that each day is a struggle
But it is
I won't tell you I can't sleep at night
But I can't
I am living my absolute best life
Right now
How can I feel so detached
So lonely
So empty
So lost
I won't tell you any of this
But it's how I feel

Tuesday, August 6, 2024

Choices

Broken brain with so little desire
Thoughts racing like a wildfire
Rumblings, rumblings, through my chest
Feel so worn out, really need some rest
I am scared and uncertain
Afraid to move ahead
Don't know what I'm saying
Don't know what I've said
I've got choices to make
And a big case of dread


Tuesday, April 30, 2024

Who Knew

I'm not a nice guy
I growl and I snarl
I'm not a nice guy
Though I think that I try
I'm not a nice guy
My heart it aches
My soul it bleeds
I'm reminded of my failures
I'm reminded that I am
Responsible for  
The failure of dreams
Still not certain why
I'm not a nice guy
I rain on parades
I'm not a nice guy
Though I'd like to change
Maybe a touch of normalcy
Before I finish
And get on that train
I'm not a nice guy

Wednesday, November 2, 2022

Running

Inadequate
Doesn't quite measure up
Bottom Shelf
Back room
Out of date
Useless

You could have
You should have
You might have

Beaten and worn and I feel like hell
I hope this look doesn't have a smell
Everything is backwards
Everything is wrong
Days are running into nights
Nights are running so very long

The negative comments
Are so frequent
The are so damaging
I cannot recover quick enough
Each time
Is like another
Another lash of a whip
I am bleeding
Profusely


Monday, September 12, 2022

Always, Again

I'm mean and sharp
Like broken glass
I'm full of hate 
And I've got no class
Rude and foul
Nasty and crass
I believe I'm a royal pain in the ass
Don't like the demon that lives in my soul
It takes an extreme exacting toll
Want to run and hide
Hang my head in shame
All the while I'm looking to blame
Someone, someone, anyone but me
I look in my soul and what do I see
An evil motherfucker looking back at me
Been haunting me for years
I can't run away
I can't run away
I can't run away

Saturday, August 6, 2022

Caught

Waves of emotion
Come over me
Completely out of the blue
Heart starts racing and thumping
Nothing that I can do
Caught in a relentless storm
No shelter to be found
Lightening is striking
Dark heavy Sky's
Crashing down all around
Frozen by fear
Can't move or I'll fall
Wondering why
Why it happened at all