Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Snow Globe

Selfish, beyond description
Taking, taking, taking
Giving back......nothing but grief
Chasing my tail, hiding like a snail
My mind is like a snow globe 
Calm on the surface
But....one little bump
Total chaos
Cannot capture a thought
Cannot find the words
Cannot articulate my emotions
Into anything that is comprehensable
Feeling like nothing has been accomplished
Always saying sorry
Always stepping on toes
Always saying the wrong words
Always thinking the wrong thoughts
Always searching
For nothing
Then 
All is calm again


Monday, May 7, 2018

No Mas

I have never understood why I survived the episode of Sudden Cardiac Arrest back in May of 2003, fifteen years ago today.  It changed me and my life in ways I could have never guessed.

I don't know why I survived.
I have tried to be thankful.
I have tried to be positive.
I have tried to stay alive.
I have tried to live.

I have failed to become a better person.
I have always questioned my purpose since that fateful afternoon.
I have become bitter and cynical.

Little Boy

Ineffective communication
Talking without words
Speaking but not being heard
Talking yet saying nothing
Speculation and assumptions
Don't have the answer
Not sure what went wrong
This time
Guilt, compounded by the fear of betrayal
Rendered useless
Scared of being alone
For too long
Scared of dying all by myself
Yet seem to bent on having it just that way
Confusion with a heaping dose of anxiety
Should be acting as an adult
Yet feel like a scolded teenager
That has broken something so priceless
Something that can never be replaced
How to reconcile the overwhelming feelings of guilt
Unforgivable