Thursday, June 22, 2017

I Feel

I long for someone to understand me, I do not need any more demands to change
I miss the closeness that comes with the sharing of minds
I want to laugh, and I want someone to laugh with me, not at me
I want someone to hold hands with, someone to lay with me under the stars
I long for the comfort you only get from being close to someone special
I miss having a confidant to share my inner most thoughts with, and not be judged
Painful, painful, painful
Something that was that will likely never be again
The purpose was served and the obligation fulfilled
I broke something a long time ago for all the wrong reasons
What I broke has remained broken and I fear it cannot be remedied
It cannot be remedied doing the same thing over and over again
Though I did not break this all by myself
I have shouldered the weight of this burden alone or so it seems
I feel let down
I feel betrayed
I feel cheated
I feel blamed
I feel guilty
I feel lost
I feel sad
I feel empty
I feel so very alone
I feel like my life has been based on deceit
There was always an unspoken unknown of some sort
The communication stopped, a very long time ago
The communication, both verbal and physical
Stopped
I have been wrong
I have been wrong with my words and with my actions
I have been wrong in the way I have treated you
I have been wrong in the ways I have acted around you
I am so, so sorry
The Love
It will never be gone, it does not simply fade away
The closeness, a fond memory to be neatly tucked away
They say when one door closes another one opens
I am afraid to ever open another door
Once again
Once again
The pain






Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Sinking

Surrounded by the darkness, there is no hope in sight

Running ever faster tried to escape with all my might

Words they feel like daggers, cutting deep into my soul

A piece of me is missing, I don’t know how to make it whole

I meant no harm and I did no wrong yet guilty do I feel

Now I can do nothing more but bow my head and kneel

Every step I take is with my left, instead of moving with my right

I try to speak what is in my heart and it turns into a fight

I was happy in the darkness, then someone turned on the light


Always wrong it seems I am, don’t know if ever I was right

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Turmoil

Faster and faster and faster I go
Spinning round and round
Confusion surrounds me
Emotions overwhelm me
Cannot capture a thought
Don't remember what happiness is
All to familiar with sadness
Don't know where I am headed
Afraid to go alone
Feeling like I lost another piece of my soul
What is it about me
I offend everyone around me
I seem to make people dislike me
What on earth happened to me

Friday, August 19, 2016

Blahs

I am on migraine number two in less than two weeks.
My Afib has been fluttering away all day, and has been active all week.
I had a bobble head moment while driving today, and I have not felt right since then.
I am confused, tired and worn out, yet I have done nothing.
I need a change, a positive change, in the worst way.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Observations

A few observations I have made of myself over the last few years.
First and foremost, no matter who I may have been when I was younger, I am not a very nice person now.  I used to be friendly, but not so much now a days. 
I am cynical, and I lean a bit to the negative side of things, not always, but more often than not. 
I am quick to anger, for no apparent reason at all.  This side of me really shines when I am driving!
I am selfish.  I think of me, always!  Problem with that is I always forget about the others in my life.
I am a racist!  I can hide from it, but it is true.  Some people have not been very good to me.
I am a bully sometimes, and it does not matter who you are.
I am judgmental, I get it from mom.
Since my episode of cardiac arrest 12-1/2 years ago, I have been searching.  For what you might ask?  I simply do not know, so I will continue my search! 

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Walls of Fear

The problem with building walls throughout life is that they can be built so high that the one building them cannot see over, through, or around these walls. 

The builder of the wall becomes lost and self absorbed behind these walls, feeling safe from the world.  Very few possess the ability to penetrate these walls and if they do get inside, it is only for a brief moment. 

A gate or opening of some kind might have been built in, maybe it is just a crack, but the builder has not found the way out, bound by fear and confusion, exhausted by strife. 

Friday, April 25, 2014

I Am

I am deeply depressed
I am mournfully sad
I am surrounded by a cloud of grief
I am not quite sure where to find my relief
I am quite certain of this cold deep ache in my heart
I am quite certain of which whence it did start
I am so cold that it chills me deep in my bones
I am so sorrowful like the lonely wind how it moans
I am so frustrated I cannot make it go away

I am so mad, so mad, I did not get another day