Monday, May 14, 2018

Snow Globe

Selfish, beyond description
Taking, taking, taking
Giving back......nothing but grief
Chasing my tail, hiding like a snail
My mind is like a snow globe 
Calm on the surface
But....one little bump
Total chaos
Cannot capture a thought
Cannot find the words
Cannot articulate my emotions
Into anything that is comprehensable
Feeling like nothing has been accomplished
Always saying sorry
Always stepping on toes
Always saying the wrong words
Always thinking the wrong thoughts
Always searching
For nothing
Then 
All is calm again


Monday, May 7, 2018

No Mas

I have never understood why I survived the episode of Sudden Cardiac Arrest back in May of 2003, fifteen years ago today.  It changed me and my life in ways I could have never guessed.

I don't know why I survived.
I have tried to be thankful.
I have tried to be positive.
I have tried to stay alive.
I have tried to live.

I have failed to become a better person.
I have always questioned my purpose since that fateful afternoon.
I have become bitter and cynical.

Little Boy

Ineffective communication
Talking without words
Speaking but not being heard
Talking yet saying nothing
Speculation and assumptions
Don't have the answer
Not sure what went wrong
This time
Guilt, compounded by the fear of betrayal
Rendered useless
Scared of being alone
For too long
Scared of dying all by myself
Yet seem to bent on having it just that way
Confusion with a heaping dose of anxiety
Should be acting as an adult
Yet feel like a scolded teenager
That has broken something so priceless
Something that can never be replaced
How to reconcile the overwhelming feelings of guilt
Unforgivable



Monday, March 19, 2018

I am

I am not sure what I did
But I did it
I am not sure what I said
But I said it
I am not sure what my  thoughts were
But I had them
I am not sure which way to turn now
But I will turn
I am not sure
I am very uncertain
I am at a loss

I do not know

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Existing

Feeling inferior, feeling small
Feeling as if I don't matter at all
Feeling useless, feeling forlorn
Feeling old and feeling worn
Feeling I missed out when they gave us all the life plan 
Feeling like a little boy when I should feel like a man
Feeling confused and feeling kinda lost
Feeling stunted and thwarted and don't know the cost
Like treading water in syrup or swimming in sand
I'm loosing my grasp, won't you lend me your hand


Friday, January 12, 2018

Afraid



I saw the most terrible side of me
I saw the side that I try to hide
Afraid of what I have become
Afraid of this terrible side
I'm not sure where it comes from
This terrible, terrible side 
I'm always trying to keep it at bay
Seems as if I don't get a say
This terrible, terrible side

Monday, September 11, 2017

Words

I have some words I would like to say
I just simply don’t know how
I have some words I would like to say
I just might not speak them now
I have some words I would like to say
I just might if you would allow

I have some words I would like to say