Snow Globe

Selfish, beyond description

Taking, taking, taking

Giving back......nothing but grief

Chasing my tail, hiding like a snail

My mind is like a snow globe 

Calm on the surface

But....one little bump

Total chaos

Cannot capture a thought

Cannot find the words

Cannot articulate my emotions

Into anything that is comprehensable

Feeling like nothing has been accomplished

Always saying sorry

Always stepping on toes

Always saying the wrong words

Always thinking the wrong thoughts

Always searching

For nothing

Then 

All is calm again

No Mas

I have never understood why I survived the episode of Sudden Cardiac Arrest back in May of 2003, fifteen years ago today.  It changed me and my life in ways I could have never guessed.

I don't know why I survived.

I have tried to be thankful.

I have tried to be positive.

I have tried to stay alive.

I have tried to live.

I have failed to become a better person.
I have always questioned my purpose since that fateful afternoon.
I have become bitter and cynical.

Little Boy

Ineffective communication

Talking without words

Speaking but not being heard

Talking yet saying nothing

Speculation and assumptions

Don't have the answer

Not sure what went wrong

This time

Guilt, compounded by the fear of betrayal

Rendered useless

Scared of being alone

For too long

Scared of dying all by myself

Yet seem to bent on having it just that way

Confusion with a heaping dose of anxiety

Should be acting as an adult

Yet feel like a scolded teenager

That has broken something so priceless

Something that can never be replaced

How to reconcile the overwhelming feelings of guilt

Unforgivable