I Do Not Have a Clue

I do not know if I am coming or going

I have no clue if it is night, or if it is day

I have thoughts that blur, without emotion

I feel trapped, with no words to say

I am stuck in a chaotic world

I seem helpless in so many ways

I found what I was searching for

I have watched it slowly decay

I will attempt to write a new page

I will make it neat, no disarray

Gloom

Darkness, darkness, shadows and pain

As deafening as the pounding of a summer's rain

No way out, no light can be found

Screaming at the top of my lungs, I utter not a sound

No sense can be made, no truth can be told

What dwells beside me makes me old

Before my time I will be departed

Payment for something I should not have started

Darkness

I was given a box of darkness, it started to consume my soul

I looked for the joy that life would give, I found an empty hole

This darkness swept upon me, I did not stand a chance

This darkness is so overwhelming, no more does life make sense

I cannot express my anguish, I cannot make a change

I cannot find the exit now
I know I am to blame

Chaos

I was once grounded in a world of reality and simple dreams

I felt a sense of guilt and responsibility,  albeit unfounded

I have now opened the door to a life of chaos

A life of delusional thoughts

A life of grandiose unattainable dreams

A life filled with a growing resentment

A life that is now becoming shorter and shorter

Everything I do, everything I say, everything I think is wrong

I was wrong for so many years and nothing it seems has changed

I toiled for years and gave up some of my passions

Now I must give them up again

I have already started

I don't have time to wait

I don't have time to play catch up

I cannot keep starting over

I cannot always be wrong

I am a slave to my emotions

Now I am giving up

My friends

My passions

My hopes

My dreams

My life

An End

I think you are trying to kill me, I think you want me to die

These feelings are deep in my heart, I just cannot lie

Why oh why did you ever come back

Is it so you can witness my heart attack

The stress you bring makes me feel real old

Emotionless, weary and a heart that is cold

I don't know what you want, you are chasing a dream

In reality you only make my mind scream

I wish I could help you, I really do

But you won't help yourself, so what can I do

You make me mad, you are crushing my dreams

My brain is full and busting at the seams

It won't take long, less than a year

I hope you have a lovely life my dear 

Hmmmm

Felt this feeling in my chest tonight

Something I've never felt before

Felt light and dizzy for the shortest time

I was not completely sure

The sensation lingered for a bit, It was not pleasant at all

I don't want to feel that sensation again, I'm not ready to hear the call

Last Time

A heavy heart and an aching soul

This stress is starting to take its toll

Needed by no-one shunned by all the rest

I surely must be failing this test

Life did not change, still mean as bolt of lightening

Violent mood swings, must be oh so frightening

Mean and nasty and as sharp as barbed wire

Eyes that will set the soul on fire

It happened again, I opened the door

I now sit and stare at an empty floor

I don't want much

I don't like being used

I don't appreciate being abused

We never talk about the things that matter

If we try it ends up in confusion and clatter

Why did you come back, did you want to test my will

Or was it my spirit that you just had to kill

Either way you have done the trick

I am mean and nasty and mortally sick

I will never get better and soon will be done

You will be free of me, free to run