Words

I have some words I would like to say

I just simply don’t know how

I have some words I would like to say

I just might not speak them now

I have some words I would like to say

I just might if you would allow

I have some words I would like to say

Observations

A few observations I have made of myself over the last few years.

First and foremost, no matter who I may have been when I was younger, I am not a very nice person now.  I used to be friendly, but not so much now a days. 

I am cynical, and I lean a bit to the negative side of things, not always, but more often than not. 

I am quick to anger, for no apparent reason at all.  This side of me really shines when I am driving!

I am selfish.  I think of me, always!  Problem with that is I always forget about the others in my life.

I am a racist!  I can hide from it, but it is true.  Some people have not been very good to me.

I am a bully sometimes, and it does not matter who you are.

I am judgmental, I get it from mom.

Since my episode of cardiac arrest 12-1/2 years ago, I have been searching.  For what you might ask?  I simply do not know, so I will continue my search! 

Walls of Fear

The problem with building walls throughout life is that they can be built so high that the one building them cannot see over, through, or around these walls. 

The builder of the wall becomes lost and self absorbed behind these walls, feeling safe from the world.  Very few possess the ability to penetrate these walls and if they do get inside, it is only for a brief moment. 

A gate or opening of some kind might have been built in, maybe it is just a crack, but the builder has not found the way out, bound by fear and confusion, exhausted by strife. 

I Am

I am deeply depressed

I am mournfully sad

I am surrounded by a cloud of grief

I am not quite sure where to find my relief

I am quite certain of this cold deep ache in my heart

I am quite certain of which whence it did start

I am so cold that it chills me deep in my bones

I am so sorrowful like the lonely wind how it moans

I am so frustrated I cannot make it go away

I am so mad, so mad, I did not get another day 

Hurt

My head hurts, from banging it against a wall

My shoulders hurt, from the load I carry

My elbows hurt, from reaching out

My knees hurt, from bending down

My neck hurts, from turning the other cheek

My brain hurts, from trying to make sense of it all

My fingers hurt, from working them to the bone

My feet hurt, from carrying the entire load

My chest hurts, from the burden I bear 

I Do Not Have a Clue

I do not know if I am coming or going

I have no clue if it is night, or if it is day

I have thoughts that blur, without emotion

I feel trapped, with no words to say

I am stuck in a chaotic world

I seem helpless in so many ways

I found what I was searching for

I have watched it slowly decay

I will attempt to write a new page

I will make it neat, no disarray

Gloom

Darkness, darkness, shadows and pain

As deafening as the pounding of a summer's rain

No way out, no light can be found

Screaming at the top of my lungs, I utter not a sound

No sense can be made, no truth can be told

What dwells beside me makes me old

Before my time I will be departed

Payment for something I should not have started