I am

I am not sure what I did

But I did it

I am not sure what I said

But I said it

I am not sure what my  thoughts were

But I had them

I am not sure which way to turn now

But I will turn

I am not sure

I am very uncertain

I am at a loss

I do not know

Existing

Feeling inferior, feeling small

Feeling as if I don't matter at all

Feeling useless, feeling forlorn

Feeling old and feeling worn

Feeling I missed out when they gave us all the life plan 

Feeling like a little boy when I should feel like a man

Feeling confused and feeling kinda lost

Feeling stunted and thwarted and don't know the cost

Like treading water in syrup or swimming in sand

I'm loosing my grasp, won't you lend me your hand

Afraid

I saw the most terrible side of me

I saw the side that I try to hide

Afraid of what I have become

Afraid of this terrible side

I'm not sure where it comes from

This terrible, terrible side 

I'm always trying to keep it at bay

Seems as if I don't get a say

This terrible, terrible side

Words

I have some words I would like to say

I just simply don’t know how

I have some words I would like to say

I just might not speak them now

I have some words I would like to say

I just might if you would allow

I have some words I would like to say

Observations

A few observations I have made of myself over the last few years.

First and foremost, no matter who I may have been when I was younger, I am not a very nice person now.  I used to be friendly, but not so much now a days. 

I am cynical, and I lean a bit to the negative side of things, not always, but more often than not. 

I am quick to anger, for no apparent reason at all.  This side of me really shines when I am driving!

I am selfish.  I think of me, always!  Problem with that is I always forget about the others in my life.

I am a racist!  I can hide from it, but it is true.  Some people have not been very good to me.

I am a bully sometimes, and it does not matter who you are.

I am judgmental, I get it from mom.

Since my episode of cardiac arrest 12-1/2 years ago, I have been searching.  For what you might ask?  I simply do not know, so I will continue my search! 

Walls of Fear

The problem with building walls throughout life is that they can be built so high that the one building them cannot see over, through, or around these walls. 

The builder of the wall becomes lost and self absorbed behind these walls, feeling safe from the world.  Very few possess the ability to penetrate these walls and if they do get inside, it is only for a brief moment. 

A gate or opening of some kind might have been built in, maybe it is just a crack, but the builder has not found the way out, bound by fear and confusion, exhausted by strife. 

I Am

I am deeply depressed

I am mournfully sad

I am surrounded by a cloud of grief

I am not quite sure where to find my relief

I am quite certain of this cold deep ache in my heart

I am quite certain of which whence it did start

I am so cold that it chills me deep in my bones

I am so sorrowful like the lonely wind how it moans

I am so frustrated I cannot make it go away

I am so mad, so mad, I did not get another day