Turmoil

Tormented

Tormented

Brain full of strife

Been this way

All of my life

Tried to hide it

For a while I had success

Now it is all such an overwhelming mess

Tormented

Tormented

Tortured and beat

The simplest task a momentous feat

I wish I knew

I wish it would stop

I want to say I know what is wrong

I want to say I am so very strong

I hide I hide from my demon today

I hide cause I can't get out of it's way

Tormented

Tormented

So full of anger and hate

I wish it would stop before it's to late

Tormented 

Sick

My chest it hurts

My heart it aches

My head is throbbing

My stomach it quakes

My limbs are tired

My eyes can't see

I am troubled

I am troubled

Why must this be

Angry

I am an angry man

I am a petty little angry man

I feed my anger 

I feed my anger with emptiness

I feed my anger with nothing

I feed my anger with loneliness

I feed my anger with the past

I feed my anger with the present

I feed my anger with the future

I feed my anger

I am a petty little angry man

I am an angry man

Depression

I have a burden I cannot seem to put down

I have a burden that I spread all around

I think a demon resides within my soul

I think a demon is exacting a terrible toll

I have days where I think nothing is wrong

I have days that read like a sad, sad song

I do not want to feel this way

I do not have the power to bring to sway

I am being punished I know this is true

I am being punished, when will it be through

I am tormented, tormented beyond my control

I am tormented, tormented, ever so slow

I once was a bright shining star

I am now but a shadow long and far
I wish, I wish, I could end my pain
I wish, I wish, I could stop this rain

Black

Darkness, darkness, black as night

Deep dark thoughts that just aren't right

Struggle and struggle and try to fight

Fighting, fighting, with all of my might

Such a pitiful fool, a pitiful sight

Happy Birthday

Sometimes I simply hate myself

I have fouled up every good thing in my life

I have never accomplished anything

I never finish anything

Not sure why I am even still here

Thoughts of death keep rolling through my mind

Why did I not die

When will I die

How will I die

What happens afterward

I am selfish

I am self centered

I am always angry

I push away those that truly love me
I have pushed away any friend I have ever had

I feel so lost

I feel so alone

I want to hide

Sometimes I simply hate myself

Buzz

Feeling scattered

Feeling so awfully jittery

Feeling alone

Feeling like my insides are vibrating

Feeling scattered

Asking

I still ask why

I still ask why

I still ask why

Why was I left behind

What am I supposed to find

I still ask why

Why oh why

Did I not die

Why 

Why

Why

Truth

Something as elusive as a shadow

Something as quick as a thought

As sharp as a razor

As deep as the black of night

Emptiness devours

Darkness descends

How quick

So very quick

Yet so long

So very, very long

In the making

Empty

So empty

Pretty rough

Like a bearing 

Without it's grease

It will cease to function

It will fail

Again

I speak without talking

I look without seeing

I feel without touching

I hurt others without trying

I live in a world of dreams

I amble on but I go nowhere

I am corrosive yet soothing

Crazy with a foul disposition

I want to talk

I want to be interested

I want to be involved

I do not know how to engage you

I cannot communicate, effectively

I cannot convey my thoughts

In a manner that you might understand

I become frustrated

I become angry

I am afraid to commit

I am afraid of being abandoned

I am afraid that my biggest fear is being realized

Again   

I Want

In a deep depressive state

Cannot remember if I was ever a nice person

I think I have a great dislike for myself

I used to like myself

Now

I feel like the shit

That gets stuck on your shoe

A foul stench follows

I have always been wrong

When I was a kid

When I was a young man

When I was a married man

Now when I am an aging man

Makes me want to hide from

My family

My friends

The world itself

I want to run away

I want

I want

I want

Spiral

No wind in my sail

No snap in my step

No reason to motivate

No reason to try

Wrong is wrong is wrong

Is wrong

Will I forever

Always

Be wrong

Snow Globe

Selfish, beyond description

Taking, taking, taking

Giving back......nothing but grief

Chasing my tail, hiding like a snail

My mind is like a snow globe 

Calm on the surface

But....one little bump

Total chaos

Cannot capture a thought

Cannot find the words

Cannot articulate my emotions

Into anything that is comprehensable

Feeling like nothing has been accomplished

Always saying sorry

Always stepping on toes

Always saying the wrong words

Always thinking the wrong thoughts

Always searching

For nothing

Then 

All is calm again

No Mas

I have never understood why I survived the episode of Sudden Cardiac Arrest back in May of 2003, fifteen years ago today.  It changed me and my life in ways I could have never guessed.

I don't know why I survived.

I have tried to be thankful.

I have tried to be positive.

I have tried to stay alive.

I have tried to live.

I have failed to become a better person.
I have always questioned my purpose since that fateful afternoon.
I have become bitter and cynical.

Little Boy

Ineffective communication

Talking without words

Speaking but not being heard

Talking yet saying nothing

Speculation and assumptions

Don't have the answer

Not sure what went wrong

This time

Guilt, compounded by the fear of betrayal

Rendered useless

Scared of being alone

For too long

Scared of dying all by myself

Yet seem to bent on having it just that way

Confusion with a heaping dose of anxiety

Should be acting as an adult

Yet feel like a scolded teenager

That has broken something so priceless

Something that can never be replaced

How to reconcile the overwhelming feelings of guilt

Unforgivable

I am

I am not sure what I did

But I did it

I am not sure what I said

But I said it

I am not sure what my  thoughts were

But I had them

I am not sure which way to turn now

But I will turn

I am not sure

I am very uncertain

I am at a loss

I do not know

Existing

Feeling inferior, feeling small

Feeling as if I don't matter at all

Feeling useless, feeling forlorn

Feeling old and feeling worn

Feeling I missed out when they gave us all the life plan 

Feeling like a little boy when I should feel like a man

Feeling confused and feeling kinda lost

Feeling stunted and thwarted and don't know the cost

Like treading water in syrup or swimming in sand

I'm loosing my grasp, won't you lend me your hand

Afraid

I saw the most terrible side of me

I saw the side that I try to hide

Afraid of what I have become

Afraid of this terrible side

I'm not sure where it comes from

This terrible, terrible side 

I'm always trying to keep it at bay

Seems as if I don't get a say

This terrible, terrible side